When Your Siblings Refuse to Help with Alzheimer’s Caregiving

Jun 25, 2018

I have five siblings. And aside from normal childhood squabbles, we’ve always gotten along. But there was still some tension around who would do what when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My dad would send out a list of things he needed help with, and we’d all wait for someone else to sign up to do them. Or try to choose the easiest tasks before someone else got them.

Even though we all chipped in, the tasks were in no way divided equally. Here are some of the reasons why:

  • Some of us aren’t natural caregivers. I have one sister who was closer to mom than the rest of us. She’s also a mom, a preschool teacher, and an excellent caregiver. And she always volunteered to help. So the bulk of the work landed on her.
  • Most of us had day jobs. I worked from home. So when everyone else said, “I have to work,” I was expected to step up and take on all the daytime weekly tasks.
  • Not all of us lived in Kansas City. Two of my sisters didn’t live in the Kansas City metro area. One was in Miami, and the other lived in a small town about 50 miles away. Although the sister in Miami did come often and even moved back to Kansas City for about a year, and the one who was 50 miles away did step up and volunteer, they weren’t always in a position to help as often as the rest of us.
  • Visiting Mom was heart breaking. It was really tough to watch our mother’s cognitive decline. We didn’t know how to talk to her anymore. What should we say? What should we not say? Some of my siblings were better at communicating with Mom than the rest of us, so they tended to volunteer to help more often.

If you’re struggling to get your siblings to help take care of a parent who has dementia, here are some things I learned that may help:

  • Don’t expect tasks to be divided equally. It just doesn’t work that way. You and your siblings all have your own lives to live in addition to caring for your parent with Alzheimer’s. And everyone’s circumstances are different.
  • Try to determine why your siblings are reluctant to help.  Here are some things to consider:
  • Don’t expect your siblings to read your mind. If you don’t ask for help, they may not realize how much time you’re devoting to caring for your parent with Alzheimer’s. Or that you’re upset with them for not coming by more often.
  • Consider your siblings’ strengths and weaknesses.   If you have siblings who aren’t good at Alzheimer’s caregiving or communication, ask them to run errands or pick up your parent and take him or her to and from appointments. Ask those who are better at communicating to come over and stay with Mom or Dad when you have somewhere else you need (or want) to be.
  • Be realistic. If your siblings work Monday through Friday, you can’t expect them to repeatedly take off work to help you care for your parent. However, they may be able to take an occasional vacation day or personal day, or even a short leave of absence (if they’re willing to do so) to help if you have an appointment or just need a break.
  • Keep everyone updated on your parent’s condition. If your siblings don’t realize the rate at which your parent’s condition is declining, they may not have thought to volunteer to help. Or they may be shocked when they find out how bad things have become and have a hard time accepting reality. So take time out to send everyone an occasional e-mail update.
  • Know when to stop asking. If you’ve repeatedly asked a particular sibling for help and he or she has consistently refused, it might be time to stop asking. Another refusal will only upset you, so you may as well stop asking.
  • Get outside help. No matter how willing your siblings are to help, there’s going to come a time when your parent with Alzheimer’s will need 24/7 Alzheimer’s care. But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep your loved one with Alzheimer’s at home. Enlist the help of a Kansas City home health agency that specializes in Alzheimer’s and dementia care. A good Alzheimer’s home care agency can help with things like bathing and grooming, respite care, meal preparation and eating, transportation to and from appointments, and more.

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